HOW-TO SURVIVE DIVORCE

 

Cheating is the cancer that kills marriages.

First things first; breathe. (Inhale through your nose; exhale through your mouth.) Not too much or you will hyperventilate and you might even pass out. (At this stage you might not reject a little mindless unconsciousness, but wait until you are near a soft surface.) Secondly, do not kill anyone, especially yourself! The “urge to purge” is a common thought among us warriors. We tend to want to surgically excise the cancer at the source, but after some sound mental rage abatement, we resolve to “Let them live”.

So now you know how to survive the first three minutes after divorce, but life goes on after that. Did your spouse cheat on you? Did you cheat on your spouse? Are there children involved in this battle for redeemed self and sanity? Be honest and answer the “who did what and why” questions. In war there is often no “good guy; bad guy” admission, thus wars last for years and sometimes decades, however divorce, (although it feels like it), is not war. It is merely the ripping of hearts, and trauma-inducing permanent separation of two individuals who thought they loved each other more than life itself! (And it is legal in some countries!)

Next, figure out what to do with your hands, (since me have determined that making a caustic bleach and ammonia bomb to toss into your estranged spouses window is out of the question). I played video games and killed orcs, trolls and goblins, for hours, (when I wasn’t asleep from hyperventilation). I rationalized that killing millions of pixels was preferable to taking the life essence from an ex-spouse IRL!

Now that your hands are too busy for virtual carnage, it is time to wrap your disenchanted mind around something positive and constructive. Heal the children, (if there are any), by communicating with them in a language they will understand. Whether it be by text, phone call or carrier pigeon, do not neglect to explain your position and assert your undying love to them. (They are lost too!) Make arrangements to take them out for some “bonding and bandaging” time, (unless you are the primary custodian of the brood). Make peace with your ex-spouse as quickly as it is feasible, and ask or give forgiveness for the cancer that killed your marriage. (Refer to “THE DOWNSIDE OF CHEATING” to avoid this entire scenario completely.)

Finally, mend your spirit and your wounded psyche, by confiding in friends, family, and trust-worthy clergy members, (professional mind-benders have their place in society, but don’t let them get you addicted to some mind-altering, psychotropic drug that they are experimenting on for some pharmaceutical company). Your brain is self-sufficient. If you were not “crazy” prior to your divorce, it is unlikely that divorce alone has sent you over the edge. Stick with people who really love you, and have a stake in your survival. Find a great reason to carry on! When you finally get your, “I survived divorce button”, wear it proudly and help others who are just trying to get through another day!

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