The "Old Block" Tells All.

Hey! I get it! “Been there; done that”. You are going back to school, work, or returning from military leave, and have zero “love bragging rights”. Cheer up, mi amigo! You don’t have to make up a credible love life. We have done that for you. A little “kiss-and-tell” could make you feel like a real stud, right? Well, look no further than our “Rent-A-Girlfriend®” collection. That’s right! You can now rent a girlfriend, and use our non-refundable, unguaranteed coupon to get the fantasy girlfriend of your choice, at an incredible 50% discount! Just whip out a snapshot of one of these hot ladies; stand back and watch the barrage of “Atta-boys” roll in. As an extra added bonus, your young female peers may start to see you as a catch as well, knowing that a ‘hottie’ like this thinks you are boyfriend material! It’s chemistry, my man. It’s just chemistry. Choose wisely though, and don’t select too many different “Rent-A-Girlfriends®” because that would be overkill, and your credibility

  Someone is always in need of love and prayer, and this lovely lady should be moved to the top of the list! I could sense her pain, even when she smiled, joked, and made light of her condition and situation. (I live with a terminally ill spouse who just survived colon cancer and has been a Sickle Cell champion since birth!) There is no way I could possibly love my wife more than I already do, but that fact does not prevent me from trying! The lady in question is a survivor and a champion in her own right; however, she has not fully and wholly embraced her championship persona, (pain and mental anguish could be contributing to her inability to overcome or even cope with her dilemma). It then falls upon us, as her human family, to brace her up, refill her spirit, and kick-start her will to continue here on the planet with us! There are professionals, clergy, and philanthropists among us who could reach out a helping, healing hand and relieve this brave soul of her daily burden, with a m

  AKA The Mysterious Beep! For the past few mornings, my wife and I have been tirelessly searching for a mysterious, audible beeping sound in our bedroom. "Here's my old calculator", my wife exclaimed!" But that was not "It". ‘Beep, beep, bee-beep!’ , it went. “Wow, my old Casio® digital secretary!” But of course, that was not “it”. ‘Beep, beep, bee-beep!’, It said again. There was nothing in her camera bag, sock drawer, or anywhere she could visibly detect on the bedside dresser. “Let me have your cell phone, Honey”, she said. “I need your flashlight”. ‘Beep, beep, bee-beep!’ , we heard again. “Here’s that stack of mini DVD’s I was looking for, to make that recording of your vocal chords for the speech therapist!” my wife said. “I have been looking for those for days!” ‘Beep, beep, bee-beep!’ , it said. My wife said it was not the old phone beeper she used in her hospital days, nor any of the old “flip phones” we had planned to mail to the military troop

Shy parents can now rely on a very popular video game to teach their children about love, marriage, and sex.   Many parents struggle with the notion of teaching their children about the “birds and the bees”, even in these ultra-modern times. However, there are alternate ways for the shy parent to teach his or her child about life, love, and licentious liability as it relates to true love and legal marriage, in today’s promiscuous society. Most parents rely on the school system to educate their little ones about the habitually natural topics their children should be able to discuss at home, in private, with their legal guardians and esteemed family members: love, marriage, sex, and procreation. With a proliferation of decadent media and undesirable peer input bombarding the young minds of children daily, it is wise for the concerned parent to step up and take on the role of sex educator, at home, to stem the tide of inappropriate “street education” that leads to adverse health and lif

  This is a simple, yet invaluable skill that I taught my children when they were very young. As you may have already read, I was plagued with incessant haunting as a child, especially in my dreams. My mother, bless her heart, tried to help me by placing scissors under my pillow, (Old Wives’ Tale; don’t ask)! That never worked. The first crutch that I employed did, however, work. Since Lady Bugs protected crops and plants from parasitic insects, why not protect me from horrific, night-terror creatures and demonic entities? Thus, the Lady Bug became my midnight, mystical savior that I called upon in my dreams to save me from spooks and spirits with ill intentions. However, as I mentioned, this was just a crutch, to help me hobble through my nightmares and bad dreams, not a permanent solution that would carry me beyond the strangling hold that “The Fort” had on me. My greatest asset, even as a child, was my innate problem-solving skill. I was a living, breathing, virtual thinking cap, an

  You see me everywhere you go. You benefit from my very existence. We exchange pleasantries through the miracle of osmosis. My feet are planted firmly in the ground, while you stomp about freely, totally oblivious to my invaluable service to mankind as a whole. You take a little piece of my soul and my sole purpose for being away from me daily, without a care; without so much as a “Thank You!” I labor hard against your efforts to destroy me and the very ground you walk upon. My friends and family do not matter to you as long as you have your precious internet, power, water, and food sources intact. You ride man-made paths of concrete, asphalt, and steel, wiping out my kind in the process; then replacing us with some token, ornamental rock or shrub, which barely provides any natural use or purpose. Without me and mine, you would fold up and die, and unwillingly become food for me and my family. You cut us down without thinking, “Who lives here? Anybody home?” Just kill, kill, kill; tha

  I am “Fudima”, a mother and a powerful woman, infused with the innate gifts of The Almighty to bear children and rear them in the way I see fit. If you see me in a shopping mall chastising my offspring, look away. Unless you are seeking knowledge in child-rearing, mind your own business. Step back, “Mama Bear don’t play that sh*t! And Mama Bear don’t take no mess from her young ones!” I teach my children how to live long enough to teach their own children how to live long enough to teach their own. “Don't break the law!” I tell them, as I spank their little butts. Mama would rather issue 1,000 spankings a year, rather than see the police issue one fatal spanking to one of hers. “I can’t breathe!” I do not knock before entering my children’s rooms. I pay the rent. I buy the food. I put the clothes on my children’s backs. They knock on my door, and wait for my permission to enter! They do not give me “back-talk”, when I am correcting their inappropriate behavior or lack of manners.

  Geeks, Goths, and Gamers are my kind of people! The “GGG” ride on the fringe of reality and live by a code of ethics that is impossible to match “In Real Life”, (IRL). If the keyboard of a computer is reality, then “GGG” are definitely “AFK”, (Away From Keyboard)! It is not wise to attempt to compartmentalize my “GGG” counterparts or slap a label on them that lumps them all into one visually identifiable cadre of cohorts. Each “GGG” is his or her own individual lump of clay, which they mold into what they desire to display to the world, on any given day. My “GGG” spouse, who has her own youth-inspired, self-inflicted markings, tattoos and piercings, conceals her identity behind the persona of a summa cum laude graduate of distinction and honor. (“An intelligent old lady who graduated with honors from a prestigious university, OK?”) However, she is my loving spouse, CMB! Her appearance gives away nothing! Some members of my ilk are visually flamboyant, highly tattooed, and pierc

  First things first; breathe. (Inhale through your nose; exhale through your mouth.) Not too much or you will hyperventilate and you might even pass out. (At this stage you might not reject a little mindless unconsciousness, but wait until you are near a soft surface.) Secondly, do not kill anyone, especially yourself! The “urge to purge” is a common thought among us warriors. We tend to want to surgically excise the cancer at the source, but after some sound mental rage abatement, we resolve to “Let them live”. So now you know how to survive the first three minutes after divorce, but life goes on after that. Did your spouse cheat on you? Did you cheat on your spouse? Are there children involved in this battle for redeemed self and sanity? Be honest and answer the “who did what and why” questions. In war there is often no “good guy; bad guy” admission, thus wars last for years and sometimes decades, however divorce, (although it feels like it), is not war. It is merely the ripping